A Case for Identity
The dynamic nature of selfhood
I am a pretender
What can I tell ya
Designed to deceive
So tell me who you want me to be
-Lewis Capaldi, The Pretender
Lately, I’ve been thinking about identity and what it means to present yourself as who you truly are. A close friend told me once that reading my newsletter and speaking to me in person felt like conversing with two people. I panicked a little. I thought this meant I was a fraud— pretending to be one thing but being another; a jarring different persona online and in real life. They explained better, that my writing helped them get a better sense of who I am.
I have always seen myself as a person with different layers. I think most people are. Different people in different settings. Cool on the outside, fiery on the inside. Sometimes these parts are completely shelved depending on where you are or who you are with. Or maybe not; maybe you’re one of those people capable of bringing the fullness of who you are wherever you go. That’s great.
You meet someone new and wonder what aspect of yourself you want to present. You wonder if they will be interested enough to ask the right questions, or if you’ll do all the asking. You don’t want them to find you too weird, too boring, basic beyond belief. You pay attention to what they say to see if you can find some connections.
But the essence of a person is beyond how they look, what they say, or what they have accomplished. Your essence is beyond what you do. Personality, charm, and character can’t be gleaned at first glance or, worse still, over a screen. Why do we care so much about making a good impression?
Cole Arthur Riley had asked, “What makes up one’s selfhood? Was it the things they had experienced or something inherent?”
If selfhood is inherent, then it can’t always change. It has a certain predisposition. But we evolve with experience, we learn and change our perspectives. Past experiences and future expectations have a strong bearing on the person you are today. And while most of our persona may be inherent, there is always room to become something different.
Identity is not singular or static. At any time you can be anything. And at all times, who you are will always be enough. The labels and titles we often give ourselves can form a cloak around us, preventing us from seeing new versions of what we can be. “I’m not one to do this or that”. Well, who are you not to be?
What does it matter if your identity is firm as a solid foundation or fluid like shifting sand? What does it matter what others think of you if your insides are in accordance or discordance, as the case may be? The places you are meant to be in and the people you connect with somehow always align, don’t they?
When you give up entirely the person you are carefully calculating, curating, and coercing to become, then you can actually meet yourself. You allow every object, structure, and title that you’ve hung the coat of your identity to fall to the ground of obscurity. And then you begin to know your truer identity.
“You are under no obligation to be the same person you were five minutes ago.”
-Alan Watts
Marcus Aurelius believed that people should live up to their fullest potential. For me, this means expressing the fullest version of yourself. It means not stifling the aspects of your being that want to be shown, but allowing all versions to shine through. To exist in the full complexity of your humanity. To shed the layers you have put on in an attempt to fit in.
Sticking to your true self only means sticking to what is true for you today. So, what’s true for you today?
It’s only in proximity to a person, and with time and interest that you keep learning about them. And the same goes for yourself, with time and attention you uncover more about who you are.
You allow that knowledge to change. You don’t put a cloak around yourself trying to remain one thing. You can be many things, you are many things. And when you meet others, you don’t reduce them to your fantasies of who they should be, but you grasp the fullness of who they are.
Quote of the Week
“I urge you to find a way to immerse yourself fully in the life that you’ve been given. To stop running from whatever you’re trying to escape, and instead to stop, and turn, and face whatever it is. Then I dare you to walk toward it. In this way, the world may reveal itself to you as something magical and awe-inspiring that does not require escape. Instead, the world may become something worth paying attention to.
The rewards of finding and maintaining balance are neither immediate nor permanent. They require patience and maintenance. We must be willing to move forward despite being uncertain of what lies ahead. We must have faith that actions today that seem to have no impact in the present moment are in face accumulating in a positive direction, which will be revealed to us only at some unknown time in the future. Healthy practices happen day by day.”
—Anne Lembke, “Dopamine Nation”
What I’m Reading
The Cracking by Nneka Julia: I thoroughly enjoyed reading this yearly review. It consists of notes from impactful books and snippets from the writer’s morning pages.
“Now, how does one live a life worth longing? It has to be less about accolades, more about little successive acts of attention and surrender. Coming face to face with finality. Of things. Of self.”
The End of an Extremely Online Era by Thomas B. Jevan: This piece looks into the challenges the internet presents today, and how that could change in coming years.
“This is the way it goes- things appear to stay static for years and years and then everything changes all at once. Such is the nature of momentum and chain reactions and the compounding of small results into inevitable grand transformation. In the midst of it we are oblivious, complacent, living each day as it comes and then we find that suddenly everything is different and our old way of life recedes into a mere memory.”
The Untethered Soul, Michael A. Singer: In this book, the author explores how the development of consciousness can enable us all to dwell in the present moment and let go of painful thoughts and memories that keep us from achieving happiness and self-realization.
“You are not the voice of the mind- you are the one who hears it.”