Happy New Year!
I have thumbed the index of my mind for something helpful to share for the new year. I’ve had so much to say about the past year that I wasn’t sure I would be able to articulate it enough.
Last year was an important one for me: a big year with big lessons. Living abroad presented me with the opportunity to learn many new lessons. Living away from my family and the people I love forced me to spend the most time with myself while making new connections. Self-discovery of sorts. I decided to share some of the most important lessons I learned in the past year hoping you find them useful in some way. This might get so cliché, but stay with me, I’ll keep my ting brief.
Solitude is necessary for growth. I lived alone in Lagos for four years as an adult and I thought I learned what independence was, but a new country showed me that there were greater heights to be reached. It was the farthest I had been from the people who cared for me. Even though they were mostly always a phone call away, it was different. I had to cultivate a radical form of self-reliance. I realized that some of the most important work you will do in your life will be done in solitude. Head down, getting stuff done. Cue bell hooks, “…when we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a form of escape.”
Life’s fabric is woven with trade-offs and decisions. You will bargain with yourself a lot of times because everything comes at a cost. You will have to make difficult choices and notable sacrifices. I can’t tell you the number of times I stood frozen in indecision because I didn’t want to make the harder choice. But it all comes with the package. The best part is you get to choose.
Ryan Holiday wrote: “Belief in yourself is overrated. Generate evidence.” Self-belief is just as important as skill. And you will need to do things that help cultivate your self-belief. Action is the antidote. Take action, and do the thing you want to do. When you’re in doubt, take the next step in front of you. “Movement creates momentum.” Many times, I found that merely getting started got me halfway there.
It is important to nurture relationships. I mentioned solitude earlier, but relationships and connections are just as vital. You will need to foster a community of people you can lean on, people to support you and help you along the way. Deep and meaningful connections are always worth it. You can’t do it all alone. Have the difficult conversation today. Something that isn’t a big deal now can create a chasm tomorrow. Walk with gentleness, apologize freely, and forgive easily.
Let things go. Relinquish control. I would know this one, because what did I ever get with brute force? Every time I went back on a decision or something I knew I had to let go of, I found there was nothing left for me there. Whatever it is you’re trying to hold onto is gone already. If something isn’t working, it makes sense to leave it. Don’t settle for situations where you feel uncertain. If it ends, it ends.
Commit to things, Habibi. Being non-committal is only evidence that you do not want something hard enough. Your quality of life improves when you are committed by the way. Try your hardest to see things through. And that becomes a character trait and a good discipline habit.
“Wherever you go, there you are.” You’ve heard this one before. Every experience you have is as good as the amount of presence you are able to bring into it. And there are no limits to the amount of presence you can cultivate in anything you do. Writing and sharing my experience has helped me to improve my presence in more ways than I could have imagined.
Stay honest with yourself. According to Richard Feynman, “You must not fool yourself, and you are the easiest person to fool.” Always say yes to yourself. You’ll have to say no to others and insist on it. When you know what you want, no one else can convince you to want something different. If you don’t know what you want, how would you even recognize it if slaps you in the face?
I’ll stop here. Thank you for sticking with me to the end. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing. Feel free to share it with anyone you think might enjoy it. I wish you the best in 2024.
Quote of the Week
“It was when I stopped searching for home within others and lifted the foundations of home within myself I found there were no roots more intimate than those between a mind and body that have decided to whole.”
-Rupi Kaur
What I’m Reading
Looking for Alice: Oh I enjoyed reading this one. Dating or not, Henrik has put into words what it feels like when you find “the one”.
How to Write an Autobiographical Novel: I picked this up for the title, and I stayed for the essays on writing and living.
And the Mountains Echoed: Excited to read this one by Khaled Hosseini, and it is also the bookclub slection for the month.