What Makes a Grown Woman?
Reflections in womanhood; mother and me
A few weeks ago, I turned 29 and my mother turned 66. The birthday messages I received from close friends seemed to have a common theme, one I couldn’t help but notice— one that reminded me closely of mother.
I inherited my mother’s skin; soft, sensitive, easy to burn. I can’t say the same for her heart— as large and fearless as it is. The generosity, kindness, and utter selflessness that flows from it. The constance of her bravery, her strength and her capacity for action. When friends called me brave, saying I always go after what I want, I scoffed because, did they know what brave was? Or maybe I underestimated just how much I got from mother.
On the eve of my birthday, she called. It was already my birthday back home in Nigeria and as usual, she was the first to wish me a happy birthday. She followed with prayers and blessings for the new year. She reminded me to say the prayers she sends every morning, she reminded me to eat. I couldn’t help but think deeply about her after the call. And I allowed myself to miss her.
I imagined her life at 29, well before I was born. She was married, a mother of two and a third on the way. I often wonder how she did it; raising seven kids, being a full-time government school teacher, and managing a business. I remember the gracefulness and ease she used in getting things done. Even as a child, with little to weigh against the concept of adulthood, I thought my mother was a walking machine. If she said something was getting done, it was getting done— a miracle worker.
Her love for gardening says a lot about the kind of person she is— putting dirt to use, creating, growing, nurturing. Patience to wait for harvest, discipline to stay the course.
Mother’s belief in me has helped me to believe strongly in myself. She would call me loving names; names that symbolise sweetness, beauty, strength, and virtue. Names that aren't mere terms of endearment but affirmations of the qualities she sees in me, sometimes before I recognize them in myself.
It is remarkable to have someone who believes this much in you. It’s like having your best self amplified. I draw strength from her faith— not just in me, but in everyday life. Her sheer optimism and how she actively finds the good in things.
My four older sisters are also a reflection of her in different ways. They are raising kids of their own and being the best mother they can be to them. The victories, challenges, joys, and fears that come with it.
On the days that are a little harder, I draw strength thinking about this, knowing I come from a strong line of women. It reminds me of the words from a song:
I am standing on the shoulders of the ones who came before me
I am stronger for their courage, I am wiser for their words
I am lifted by their longing for a fair and brighter future
I am grateful for their vision, for their toiling on this Earth
A grown woman
I am in the last year of my twenties, and at the cusp of my thirties, I wonder what makes a grown woman. From a young age, certain expectations are placed on the female child; that she will be a certain type of person, and follow a time-honoured way.
Depending on where you are from, culture narrowly defines what constitutes success in anything— looks, strength, acquisitive power, good behaviour, religious belief. It is tempting to want to measure oneself against these criteria. To see how you compare to others, mostly your peers.
But I am learning that economic tiers are irrelevant if I am soulful, brave, compassionate and deeply involved in the life that is mine. It doesn’t matter what my life should look like, all that matters is what it does.
I am so blessed and grateful to have a mother who showed me heroic qualities from a young age. And while my life looks significantly different from hers at 29, I know there is so much of her in me. As I get older, I look forward to life’s many surprises and I hope to stay open to these experiences, as she has always taught me.
It’s almost harvest season. Hope this summer has been good to you, it has to me.
Quote of the Week
“I hope you will go out and let stories, that is life, happen to you, and that you will work with these stories... water them with your blood and tears and your laughter till they bloom, till you yourself burst into bloom.”
- Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves